Sometimes when I am alone with my thoughts, which is often, I wonder why I am the way I am. Why do I feel things so deeply? Do other people feel things this way? Why do I seem to take one step forward and three steps back so often? While I know we cannot blame who we are on someone or some event, I do know that what we walk through has a way of shaping us into who we are. Recognizing this is an integral part of our path that we walk because if we fail to do this; we will end up blaming our lot on someone else. I may appear to contradict myself at times until I am fully able to express my mind on this matter- so please bear with me.
I’ve seen stories that tell of a child surviving years of abuse and torture only to have a complete mental breakdown and never heal. I’ve watched where a woman was sexually molested, beaten, and enslaved for a long period of time and when freed she could not unfetter herself from her tortuous dreams. So, while we are responsible for our reactions to other’s actions; there are still the intricate musings of our vast beings that cannot be overlooked nor cast aside. I would like to keep these thoughts in mind as I share more about my story. I write mainly because writing is cathartic for me and also in hopes that maybe someone else would choose to share their story with me. Although it has been nearly a lifetime since my story began; so much of it is still fresh in my mind. I have spent so much of my life lamenting the way my brain and emotions work. Instead, I am coming to a tentative grip that this is who I am.
I will endeavor to write from the perspective of my story alone; but at times it will intersect with others who were with me. What I write about is true but I will change the names of other people. I hope my battles, my agony, my confusion can all touch someone’s heart who may be struggling and feel that they are alone. They are not. Sometimes I will share poems I have written to chronicle my journey. My poems are more like prayers whispered up to God in hopes that He will hear me. Thank you for taking time to read!
It’s swirling in my head, picking up speed
the familiar fog, that no one would need.
out of nowhere, it showed up like a flash
causing my head to ache and my teeth to gnash
you’re not invited, so please take your leave
i’m sure you know, that I will not grieve.
The following is fictional. It is my original story. This is Chapter 2. Chapter 1 can be found in the “musings” category on my blog. Enjoy!
I never imagined my life could turn out this way. When one imagines and plans their life, I can say for sure that no one would ever pick this. But wait, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you who I once was.
I was once an innocent seven year old girl with a loving family. I lived the way I assumed every seven year old girl did. My brothers and sisters rounded out our family along with our mom and dad. I was smack, dab in the middle; two older sisters and two younger brothers. My brother Ian, who was just fifteen months younger than I was, was autistic. He was my best friend. Ian was always happy, which made him very endearing to everyone. Sometimes though, he would get on my nerves. Once Ian got an idea in his head, he would constantly pester you until whatever his idea was came to fruition. My two oldest sisters were several years older than me. My parents had them, then waited six years and had the last three. So, although I loved my sisters dearly, our age gap kept us from being very close. Holly, who just turned sixteen, had just gotten her driver’s license. We had a beat up old Honda civic, which she was allowed to drive. I thought this was pretty neat, because now I could ask her to take me to the skating rink!! Every time she drove my somewhere, we would drive by her boyfriend’s house. I didn’t understand the fascination of sitting in a car in front of her boyfriend’s house, but hey, she was taking me where I wanted to go. Kasey was about to turn fifteen soon. She was a bookworm. Her bedroom walls were lined with shelves and shelves of books. She would always say how much she loved the feel of a book in her hands. They were sacred to her. My parents got her a Kindle one year for Christmas, but she never even took it out of the box. She wanted pages to turn. I snuck in her room one night and took the Kindle and I’ve had it ever since. She never once asked where it went. So, that leaves my youngest brother. His name is Henry. He’s just two, but talks non stop. He throws food when he doesn’t want it and screams when he’s tired. I wonder…… when do these behaviors morph into appropriate responses? Or do they just simmer in us waiting to rear their ugly head again?
When I first met Him, I knew right away that those types of behaviors were abiding in him. I could tell that they were not only abiding in him; but growing exponentially.
The day I met Him was a beautiful day with blue skies and white puffy clouds. I used to lay on the ground and watch the clouds change shapes and try to figure out what they looked like. Such an innocent game to play. Soon, that innocence would be lost.
The following is fictional. It is the beginning of a short story. I will attempt to put a new chapter out once a week. Please feel free to ask me any questions. Peace. donna marie
After that night, nothing was ever the same. Never again would I hear footsteps coming down the wooden hallway without chills shimmering up my spine to the back of my neck. I still shake from the chills. When I close my eyes, I can feel his dry, rough hands touching my face, I still smell his burnt flesh as he singed his forehead bending down to extinguish the two candles that were lit on the side table. Wax had dropped upon the table and caused a mark when the wax was removed.
He didn’t know that I knew that he was guilty. I could see how this particular lack of knowledge emboldened him. His arrogance astounded me! He truly thought that he was smarter than everyone else in the room. He thought he was “The Moral Compass” for humanity. I didn’t realize how long it took me to believe it. Making yourself “unbelieve” something is next to impossible if you’ve been brought to that belief through hurtful methods, such as being abused can be especially difficult,
Close your eyes so you won’t see
The road ahead You chose for me.
Her absence was felt more keenly than I care to admit. I see my beautiful niece smile. She is a picture of her mother– my sister. We are all walking where so many have walked before…..uncharted territory. No maps. No gps. No cell phone. We’re on our own. What’s the right thing to do? In my experience, that question can be a trap. The right thing…..the right thing…..Must we always do the “right thing”? As I see the unbearable pain etched in my brother-in-law’s face, I see that this dance we’re doing is better if done in the dark. Don’t think…..just feel inside you. I never in a million years would have guessed that my family would be at this juncture in life. Burying my beautiful sister far too early. And now….clawing our way through the dark…..hoping to find the way. I truly believe that I will never get over my sister dying. But I will…..eventually….. learn to live with her loss. May our family continue to be there for each other and love, love, love.
The following was written by my sister, Johnna Anna a few days ago. Today is six months that we have been without our sister Rhonda Lynn. I am extremely blessed to have grown up in a family with four sisters. Johnna, Rhonda, Donna, Sonya
Four strong walls that together made a fortress. Together the four provided security and safe haven, standing together arms locked against the winds of change that wanted to wreck us. We found comfort knowing we were together clinging to each other. Our lives so entwined, our hopes and fears guarded within those walls. No matter what, as long as we were together we could do anything, go anywhere because we knew that fortress would still stand. We comforted each other, we hurt each other, we cried, we laughed and we were always the four. But now, we are three. Life feels unsure and scary again. We don’t have our 4th to help hold us together. Life will never be the same. It feels empty and it hurts so bad. And now we must learn to stand together as three.
Have you ever been afraid to be happy? I find that while I have had some difficult challenges through my life, the challenge to embrace being happy is harder than I thought. My brain, which has a habit of running every possible scenario through its caterpillar-like fibers, lulls me into feeling that if I am happy– the “other shoe will drop.” This terrifies me!!
For the past two weeks, my depression has taken a vacation. (I have not sent him a card!! lol ) I don’t remember the last time I was without my familiar companion. The feeling is new. Tentative. Fresh. Who am I kidding?? It is wondrous!!! But— I can’t shake the feeling of the “other shoe dropping”. So I hope as I charter beautiful waters, I enjoy the moments–not marring them by worry. Because we all know that eventually the “other shoe will drop”. It happens to everyone. So onward, one day a time.
when you can jump outside the line
whistle as you go
and leave no one left behind
but tell them so they’ll know
tell me who you are, open up my eyes
been blinded too many years, please from me don’t hide
for you are light and love, send it now on me
so i can see your smile, and better i will be
if i wander down the street, what is it that i’ll see?
people who know who they are, but none of them are me
one day a girl whose smile shines bright is playing by the brook
but turning around you see her fall, and now she’s been mistook
no room for falls, just do it right so nothing mars the day
cause if it does, the pain jabs deep and imprints on your brain