I was thinking of the pieces of me I lost to the farm. One big thing that I struggle with is that I always had many friends before the farm. Growing up I was extremely social and had wonderful close friendships with many people. As the years at the farm ticked by I realized that I had no friends anymore. Living on a 500 acre farm– secluded from the world and shut off to all “worldly” relationships– daily stripped me of my ability to even know how to make friends anymore. A worldly relationship was anyone who didn’t believe like this “supposed” church. I’ve noticed that I have sorta climbed into my own shell. I want to meet people and have friends, but when the time comes to go to a place where I could meet a new friend I shrink back. I have found that when I am able to go to an event I usually cling to my husband. I feel panicked when he’s not by my side. Last year we went to his work’s Christmas party and I remember going over with my husband how I didn’t want him to leave me alone. I was terrified to go there. Just yesterday someone I know asked me to stop by and visit with a group of friends that I hadn’t met before and I immediately drew back inside. I felt the same panic rising from within. But at the same time I heard my mouth saying “yes”. So I decided to go. I felt like it was my first day at school. I was so nervous! I made myself go after almost chickening out. After I arrived, I made my way over to the garage where everyone was sitting and talking together. I met everyone, sat down and immediately began running scenarios through my mind. Wondering what each one thought of me and how I couldn’t sit still or stop shifting in my seat. I tried to relax but to no avail. I pretty much was nervous the whole time. Although I felt I was a nervous wreck, I also felt happy that I had actually went instead of retreating in my own world. (One small step for this woman 🙂

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