I don’t know what I’ve been thinking all this time; but it hit today as I was drying off from my shower. I am a stranger in my own life. Since I got away from “the farm”, I have not felt comfortable anywhere; not least of all my own skin. I am the odd man out wherever I go. My mind disallows me to fit in anywhere. I am not comfortable with who I am and I don’t know if I ever will be. I realize that I was already an anxiety ridden person when things began at the farm. The years there took took an impressionable young woman who had a trusting nature and turned her into a cynical person who finds it difficult to trust anyone. I truly loved my life before the farm. Did I have issues then? Of course I did; but I believe with all my heart that they were manageable issues. After years of seeking help for this disaster of a life, I have come to think that there is no help for me. Every now and then I talk with one of the survivors of the farm and they truly are the only ones who get it. Who know that they didn’t just abuse us, they re-wired us. The constant torment over many years with seclusion from the world can do quite a bit of harm to someone. I used to be so sure of what I believed. Now….I’m confused. I have a deep fear in me that doesn’t allow me to believe like I used to. My mind equates believing with pain because of the things done to me. I know logically that that sentiment is not true; but getting that to play out in my life I have found to be impossible. Completely impossible.

5 thoughts on “Stranger in My Life

  1. Don’t give in to believing that those assholes were representative of God and Christianity, Donna. They abused you and the Word for their own ends, and they will face their own justice soon enough. Life goes on, and so do you. The trauma of your ordeal is not something you will get over for a long while. But eventually, you will. It will always be part of you, but you will end up a stronger, better, more fulfilled person. Stay strong 🙂

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