In the recesses of my mind where all thoughts abide
I have a sacred place to conquer and divide
I wonder where I’ve gone, I wonder who I am
How could I lose myself when the water broke the dam?
I miss the innocence -The smile that comes with ease
In it’s stead I see a face that tries so hard to please
It’s not an easy game, it tears down to your soul
The pain is all consuming, much as the billows roll
I want to see the light; I long to be set free
So Jesus shed my eyes of the thin veiled glaze I see
So I may see the light and finally be me
written by D.M.I.
I’m not sure exactly when the thoughts began, but when they did; they came fast. I would get a thought in my head about something and it was nearly impossible to extradite it. I remember when there was a “lice” scare in grade school. We stood in line as the school nurse systematically checked everyone’s head for the tiny creatures. While I never actually had lice; in my mind I was sure that I did! I thought on it so often that my mind created the sensations of the little rascals crawling throughout my hair. I knew I was doomed! As I grew up, I continued–from time to time–to worry that I was infected with lice. I remember going to the drug store and buying lice shampoo. I would wash my hair in it to satisfy my doubts for awhile.
Another obsession of mine in my grade school years was my heart. At a young age I was diagnosed with a minor heart problem. There would be times when my heart would get into a bad rhythm and nothing I did could bring it out. It would be beating over 200 times per minute!!! I don’t know about you, but that scared me horribly!!!! I was sure that I would have a heart attack and die. I stopped eating greasy foods, eggs, and anything else that could hurt my heart. A part of me, I think, had to know that my thoughts were obsessive; but the obsessive part of me couldn’t come to grips with that yet.
It was during these years that I began to struggle with anxiety issues. I would feel closed off from everyone else because I knew they didn’t think like me. (At least I thought they didn’t!) I have three sisters and none of them had these kinds of issues. I used lay in bed and talk to my oldest sister–she was the most calm and “put together” one to me. I remember always telling her that I wished I had a mind that thought like hers. She has always amazed me with her ability to handle things. I treasured the times we stayed up talking at night. You know, as I’m writing these things down, I realize I am revealing extremely personal thoughts that up to this time very few people knew. I think it is the right time to do this. I believe the risk of embarrassment is worth it if someone else sees that they are not alone in their struggles.
Sometimes when I am alone with my thoughts, which is often, I wonder why I am the way I am. Why do I feel things so deeply? Do other people feel things this way? Why do I seem to take one step forward and three steps back so often? While I know we cannot blame who we are on someone or some event, I do know that what we walk through has a way of shaping us into who we are. Recognizing this is an integral part of our path that we walk because if we fail to do this; we will end up blaming our lot on someone else. I may appear to contradict myself at times until I am fully able to express my mind on this matter- so please bear with me.
I’ve seen stories that tell of a child surviving years of abuse and torture only to have a complete mental breakdown and never heal. I’ve watched where a woman was sexually molested, beaten, and enslaved for a long period of time and when freed she could not unfetter herself from her tortuous dreams. So, while we are responsible for our reactions to other’s actions; there are still the intricate musings of our vast beings that cannot be overlooked nor cast aside. I would like to keep these thoughts in mind as I share more about my story. I write mainly because writing is cathartic for me and also in hopes that maybe someone else would choose to share their story with me. Although it has been nearly a lifetime since my story began; so much of it is still fresh in my mind. I have spent so much of my life lamenting the way my brain and emotions work. Instead, I am coming to a tentative grip that this is who I am.
I will endeavor to write from the perspective of my story alone; but at times it will intersect with others who were with me. What I write about is true but I will change the names of other people. I hope my battles, my agony, my confusion can all touch someone’s heart who may be struggling and feel that they are alone. They are not. Sometimes I will share poems I have written to chronicle my journey. My poems are more like prayers whispered up to God in hopes that He will hear me. Thank you for taking time to read!